I just had a horrible thought. Please PLEASE let him have no idea about my website. I would be so horrified if he knew how desperate and pathetic I am (or, rather, had fresh proof of it, since he already knows), even after any reasonable person would be completely recovered and probably dating someone else. Well, not desperate - I haven't emailed him, his friend, or taken up prostitution in a feeble attempt to attain some twisted form of affection. But I am rather pathetic. Oh well. If I could stop loving him this second, in exchange for losing all memory of him, would I?  My answer changes daily. Right now I'd say yes. I have no hope, and we have no future, so there was no point. But yesterday I wouldn't have traded knowing him for the world - he is my ideal in so many ways (although, not all), and to forget him would be losing the small part of me that still has the capacity to feel deep, unconditional love for another person. Over the course of my life, I've learned many things. I know that I am the only person I can trust. I know that my dog is the most loyal friend I will ever have. And now I know that if I want someone to love me, loving them isn't enough, and that the only way to get by in romance is to "play the game" and aim to win. Other people are so depressing sometimes. If only it were socially acceptable to spend my life as a hermit with dogs for best friends.

I look forward to the day when I feel lovable.